Jen and Bruce came to my office for an initial session. Bruce seemed to be angry and Jen was very emotional. I told them my spiel about myself and how I work. I then began the initial interview. I gathered their background information and then asked why they were coming to see me. Jen immediately responded, “Bruce is having an affair with someone at work”.
Bruce angrily replied, “I am not. I have been texting with a friend from work”.
As the conversation continued I realized Bruce had crossed the line, through texting, with a co-worker. He was having an emotional affair and refused to see it as such.
I see a significant number of couples in my office for a variety of reasons. One of the main issues in couple’s or marriage counseling is cheating, affairs, or infidelity. I have previously written a blog post on how I treat infidelity. If you are interested in this topic feel free to read that here. https://melissamullercounseling.com/infidelity/
In my office, I often have couples who have discrepancies as to what constitutes infidelity. I find that many of individuals do not think they are cheating on their partner if it doesn’t involve physical sex. I disagree. My answer to what constitutes an affair or cheating is:
When one person in a monogamous relationship has an emotional or sexual relationship with someone else it is considered cheating. Anytime someone in a committed relationship is sharing intimate details including, secrets and intimate conversations they aren’t having with their partner, (texting flirty messages, or anything that could possibly lead to something deeper) I consider to be infidelity.
I often hear that one in a couple is talking to someone, through texts, and the partner doesn’t know about it. The individual may justify to him or herself that there is no physical contact so it isn’t cheating. Keeping secrets is stressful. Keeping secrets can lead to mental health issues. Guilt and shame may result.
For the partner who is in the dark, upon learning about their partner interacting with someone else the resulting emotions may be betrayal, depression, anxiety, and obsessing. Other resulting problems will be low self esteem, confidence issues, and insecurities about oneself and the relationship.
In an attempt to avoid these problems it can be helpful for couples to develop their own definition of what cheating would be early in the relationship. Although this may not always prevent the problem it will make it clear to both partners what is and what isn’t OK in relationship. If you want to know if you are having an emotional affair here is an article with some guidelines. https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-youre-having-an-emotional-affair-2303079
Cheating and infidelity do happen in relationships. When cheating happens, seeking out couple’s counseling is a good staring point in the healing process. Infidelity may be a sign that work needs to be done to secure the relationship and to assess the overall health of the relationship prior to the infidelity.
It is always a good idea to talk to your partner about the health of the relationship. If this is too difficult reach out to a mental health professional for guidance.