I work a lot with couples in my office doing couple’s counseling, in St Augustine , Fl. or virtually. One of the most effective tools I’ve seen help get couple’s on the same page is the “Couple’s Meeting.” The meeting is as it sounds, a weekly meeting for the couple to share their appreciation for each other, the upcoming calendar, finances, and any relationship issues that need to be discussed. This can be a structured meeting, with the same outline every week or more loosey-goosey and free flowing meeting.
Couple’s Counseling
When a new couple calls me I explain that the first session is always an intake session. During this session I gather information, and ask lot of questions of each member of the relationship. At the end of the session, I give some feedback as to what I think the issues are and ways I may be able to work with the couple.
There are a few types of major issues I see. Often times couples carry problems from their childhoods or their past ways of relating to others into the present relationship. If the family of origin was dysfunctional individuals may carry that dysfunction into their present relationships. During the initial session I look to see if the present problems relate to past issues. If this is the case I may recommend some individual therapy along with the couple’s counseling or work in couple’s counseling on these dysfunctional patterns.
In the case that I do not see any issues from the past contributing to problems in the present, I may recommend some simple communication exercises, or some other form of skills development to improve the relationship.
The Couple’s Meeting
One skill I’m excited to share with couples is the Marriage or Couple’s Meeting. It’s a tool I personally use in my marriage, and I’ve noticed my daughter implementing it in her relationship as well. Just this morning, when I called her, she mentioned she had to call me back because she and her partner were about to have their weekly meeting. The concept is simple yet powerful—a dedicated time each week for the couple to connect. Meetings can be structured with a consistent outline or more relaxed and free-flowing, depending on the couple’s preference.
The most important part of the Couple’s meeting is the opening. Each partner says, “I appreciate you because………”. This starts the meeting off on the right footing and sets the mood to positive. It also helps each person give their partner positive affirmations they may have difficulty giving. The rest of the meeting can be organic or structured. In my own Marriage Meeting, each week, we look at the finances, together, and discuss them and go forward in an unstructured manner. Regularly, we will discuss our social calendar, kid’s needs, and household chores. Having a clear plan and open communication eliminates guessing and anxiety.
Finances
In my generation I have observed that most married couples have combined finances although one person may manage them. I am noticing, in the younger generation, that the couples are not combining their finances as often. I find this interesting and am not sure what the full reasoning is. In these cases, the couple keeps individual accounts and a household account, which they each put money into to run the home. In this situation, I like the idea of each person putting in a percentage of their income into the household account. It’s important to discuss finances regularly, as this is a top reason for conflict in a marriage.
Suggested outline for the meeting:
- “I appreciate you because……….”
- Financial: accounts, bills, savings, etc.
- Calendar, plans, child activities, driving children , etc.
- Communication problems and communication positives (any skills taught in session practiced).
- Issues/problems
You can follow this outline or use your own. I suggest these meetings take place weekly but if that can’t happen as often as you can make them happen is great!
I have had couples tell me that these meetings have greatly improved the relationship and they were happy to learn a basic skill to incorporate into the relationship. If you are using these meetings, continue! If you don’t have couple’s meetings implemented I suggest trying one this week!
In Kindness,
MM