One of the things I hear often from clients is: “I just can’t seem to relax.” Sometimes they’re busy parents juggling work, family, and everything in between. Sometimes they’re caring for aging parents. Sometimes they’re successful professionals who appear to have everything under control on the outside. But underneath, they’re exhausted.
They tell me they can’t shut their minds off. They feel guilty when they rest. They wake up tired. Even when life is relatively calm, they still feel tense, worried, or like they’re waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. What may be happening is that your nervous system is stuck in “survival mode.”
This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve experienced a major trauma. Sometimes survival mode develops after years of chronic stress, caregiving, people-pleasing, perfectionism, difficult relationships, or simply carrying more than one person was ever meant to carry. When that happens, your body can begin acting like there’s a problem to solve even when there isn’t one.
Chronic stress can affect both our physical and emotional well-being. The American Psychological Association offers additional information about how stress impacts the mind and body.
Signs your Nervous System May Be Stuck in Survival Mode
1. You Don’t Know How to Rest Without Feeling Guilty
You finally sit down. The dishes are done. The emails can wait. Nobody needs anything from you at the moment. However, instead of relaxing, your mind starts making a list of everything else you should be doing.
Many people I work with have become so accustomed to being productive that rest feels uncomfortable. Their bodies have learned to stay in motion, and slowing down can actually create anxiety.
2. You’re Tired All the Time, But Your Mind Won’t Slow Down
You may feel exhausted physically but still find yourself replaying conversations, worrying about tomorrow, or mentally running through your to-do list at 2 a.m.
This “tired but wired” feeling is one of the most common signs that your nervous system is working overtime.
3. Small Things Feel Bigger Than They Used To
You snap at your spouse. You cry over something minor. A simple inconvenience ruins your day.
It’s easy to judge yourself in these moments, but often the issue isn’t the situation itself. It’s that your nervous system has very little reserve left. When we’re running on empty, even small stressors can feel overwhelming.
4. Your Body Feels Stressed Even When Your Mind Doesn’t
Sometimes people tell me, “I don’t feel anxious, but my body does.” Their shoulders are tight. Their jaw aches from clenching. They get headaches, stomach issues, or feel like they can never take a full deep breath. Our bodies often tell the truth before our minds catch up.
5. You Find Yourself Constantly Reaching for Your Phone
This one often surprises people. Many of us assume we’re scrolling because we’re bored. But sometimes we’re scrolling because we’re overwhelmed.
Have you ever had a stressful day and found yourself mindlessly moving from Instagram to Facebook to TikTok to email and back again? Maybe you pick up your phone without even realizing it. Maybe you tell yourself you’re taking a break, but afterward you don’t actually feel rested.
When our nervous systems are overloaded, we naturally look for ways to escape discomfort. For some people it’s food. For others it’s shopping, television, or staying busy. For many of us, it’s our phones. Scrolling can provide a temporary distraction from stress, anxiety, loneliness, or overwhelm. The problem is that it rarely gives our nervous systems the kind of rest they’re actually craving. In fact, constantly consuming information, news, videos, and social media can keep our brains stimulated and make it harder to slow down.
If you notice yourself reaching for your phone whenever you feel stressed, anxious, or emotionally drained, try getting curious rather than judging yourself. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now that I don’t want to feel?” The answer might tell you more than your screen ever will.
So What Can You Do?
The good news is that your nervous system can learn something new. You don’t have to force yourself to “just relax.” In fact, most people have tried that already and it doesn’t work. Instead, think of nervous system regulation as teaching your body that it’s safe at this moment.
Come to Your Senses
One simple exercise I often recommend is called orienting. Pause and slowly look around the room. Notice what you see. Let your eyes land on objects that feel neutral or pleasant. Touch something and describe how it feels against your skin. Taste something and describe it’s texture, is it sweet or salty, etc. Smell a candle or an essential oil that you find pleasing. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds around you. This helps remind your brain that you’re here in the present moment, not in a future worry or a past stress.
Side to Side Eye Movements
Another technique is slow side-to-side eye movements. Without moving your head, slowly look to the left and pause. Then slowly look to the right and pause. Repeat several times while breathing normally. Slow side-to-side eye movements may help calm the nervous system by reminding the brain that it is safe in the present moment. While it isn’t a cure for anxiety or stress, many people find it helps them feel more grounded, especially during moments of overwhelm. Think of it as a gentle way of helping your body shift out of survival mode and reconnect with what’s happening right here, right now. It sounds almost too simple, but many people notice their bodies begin to settle after a minute or two.
Gentle Butterfly Taps
Butterfly taps are one of my favorite grounding techniques because they’re simple, calming, and can be done almost anywhere. Cross your arms over your chest and gently tap your shoulders, alternating left and right. This side-to-side, or bilateral, movement engages both sides of the brain and helps bring your attention out of racing thoughts and back into the present moment. Many people find that after a minute or two of tapping, they feel calmer, more grounded, and better able to manage feelings of stress, anxiety, or overwhelm.
Breathing exercises, walking outside in nature, meditation, connecting with a trusted friend, and making time for genuine rest can all help support a more regulated nervous system.
You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck in Survival Mode
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, emotionally exhausted, or unable to relax for an extended period, there may be more going on than stress alone. If any of this feels familiar, know that you don’t have to figure it out on your own.
When your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode for a long time, it can be difficult to break those patterns without support. Therapy provides a safe space to slow down, understand what’s contributing to your stress and overwhelm, and develop practical tools that help you feel more grounded in your daily life.
At Melissa Muller Counseling, I work with individuals, couples, and families who are struggling with anxiety, chronic stress, relationship challenges, life transitions, and emotional exhaustion. Together, we can explore what’s keeping you stuck and create a path toward greater balance, resilience, and well-being.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d be honored to support you. Contact Melissa Muller Counseling today to schedule a consultation.
In Kindness,
MM